My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
