The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
