look no pants
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
