I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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