where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
