We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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