Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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