I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
