True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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