maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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