ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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