A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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