If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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