There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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