So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
