I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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