just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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