Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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