you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
