you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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