I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
