I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
