I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This can only be settled by a dance off.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
