I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
