apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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