Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
