Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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