I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
