I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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