sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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