ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
