i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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