two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
