Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
