We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
