I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
