I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
