Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
