My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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