I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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