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Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize