I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
