During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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