why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
