now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
