I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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