It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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