we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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