eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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