The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
