Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
