Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
