I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
