At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
