Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
there was a trapeze. enough said
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
