Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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