Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
