If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
