I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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