I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She announced her abortion via fbk
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
