I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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