wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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