also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
